I’ve gone through a lot of tragedies and tough times in my life but none of that really prepared me for something like this, I didn’t just lose my girlfriend, I lost my bestfriend. I hate how my “friends” talk shit about her. No one knows what we had and how special she is to me. Ever since my parents splitting, my mom turning into a fucking physco, my grandpa dying, my cousin dying, my 2 best friends I’ve ever had my grandma and grandpa leaving I haven’t been the same. I’ve hated my life for the past 5 years, there was nothing to look forward to anymore and i’d just reminisce on the past. I was depressed for such a long time until I met Leslie. She changed everything.. I actually found someone who liked me for me despite all my flaws and still wanted to be with me. We would stay up all night talking for hours about anything and everything. She was always there for me, and I was always there for her. She made me forget about all the shit I’ve had to go through in my life and for the first time in a long time, I was truly happy. I wouldn’t even want to go to sleep because reality was honestly SO much better than my dreams. The first time we hung out was so awkward. I was with her, jgibb, and matt. I didn’t expect it to be and I didn’t want it to be. As cliché as it is, I swear I fell in love with her the moment I laid eyes on her. When she first got in the car I was like holy shit this is the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met. I just froze up. I wanted to say so much but the words wouldn’t come out of my mouth and I was so scared that she’d break up with me. But she didn’t. She stuck with me despite the fact that I acted like a total loser. and im so thankful she did. Our relationship would continue to grow and I eventually grew out of my shyness. I remember everything about us. I remember my first text to her, I remember where I was every conversation we had and I remember every conversation. I remember every moment together, every kiss. I remember the first time I told her I loved her. (She actually didn’t believe it lol. I remember her tweeting about it. How she didn’t know if I actually meant it, but she really hopes I did. Well I did.) I remember every letter I wrote her. I remember every text i’d send her while she was sleeping for her to wake up to (it’s crazy, she actually used to love when I did that) I remember how I got way too much froyo at orange leaf and I couldn’t finish it haha. I remember our first kiss at her school. I remember waiting for hours downtown on John to do our tattoos and how we made out in the shop lol. I remember getting lost on the way home cuz my phone died and her helping me get home because she recognized a building her dad used to live at. I remember skyping every night with her jd kush and matt lol. I remember her “reading” every night haha (don’t worry no one knows about that besides me) I remember all of that and so much more. I miss when she used to really want to talk to me. She’d tell me goodnight everynight and I remember her waking me up every morning when we first started talking “good morning sleepy head :)” or something like that haha. She used to really like/love me and care about me. I’d give anything to have that back. I miss every moment we had together for the past 5 months. Its crazy its been that long but I feel like I’ve known her my whole life. We’ve been through so much, so many ups and downs. but the ups outweigh the downs by a million. There hasn’t been a day that has gone by in 5 months that I don’t thank God for giving me Leslie. First thing I do when I wakeup, and the last thing I do before I go to bed. She is truly the biggest blessing I’ve ever had. I wouldn’t be alive if it wasn’t for her. She is without a doubt the best thing that has EVER happened to me. I miss her so much. Just writing this is taking everything out of me. I’m fighting back tears right now because I don’t have her anymore. I’m back to where I was before her, but even worse because I lost the most important thing in my life. I don’t even want to be alive anymore. Theres no point. Nothing matters anymore. I dream about her every night and in my dreams she’s still mine and she still loves me but when I wake up I realize it was just a dream so I just try to go back to sleep. I try every thing to get her off my mind but I cant. Im not complete without her, im so lost. Im a complete mess. The thought of her with another guy is the worst thing. . I’ve thrown up so many times just thinking about that. No one will ever love her or care about her as much as I do. I would do anything in the world to get her back. I don’t just want her, I need her. She completes me. She makes me want to be a better person. She said she doesn’t want me to be in love with her anymore because she says I’ve changed. The only thing that has changed are my feeling are so much stronger than they were at first. Im sorry that I tell you I love you and I need you but without you im weak. Is that really so wrong? you you make me stronger. She shouldn’t be scared of being loved. So much love has been wasted because of people trying to escape love to keep their heart from breaking. But I wont ever leave her or break her heart. I have so much faith in her, in us. I still believe in us and I want her to, too. I just wish we could both be happy in love with eachother again. Everything would be perfect. I want our relationship to be like it used to be and i’d give anything for it to be like that again, and im willing to make any sacrifice I can so that can happen. I can’t take living without her much longer. This is becoming way too much to handle. Im so alone now. I dont have that person in my life who made me happy and forget about all the bad shit in my life. Every time my phone vibrates I hope its from her but it never is. The other day was the first time in 5 months we went a whole day without talking. I miss her so much, I miss my best friend. Now all i have left of her is Roxi who i love very much but it just isnt the same. I don’t care what anyone says, Leslie and I are meant to be together. I just wish she could see that. What we had was so special and no one will ever be able to replace it. I’ll never give up on her though. I gotta fix this someway, somehow. God put us together for a reason, and I know he’ll lead us back to eachother.
Sidenote- This was terribly written but it’s late and i suck at explaining things. Especially something as in depth as my feelings for Leslie, Also, I don’t give a shit what anyone has to say about this. I only have like 3 real friends, everyone else is a bunch of fakes who talk shit about me/leslie behind my back and I don’t appreciate that. If you were really my friend you would have respect for the girl I love, like I do for y’alls. But for the people that have been here for me, I appreciate you.
this will probably be deleted in the morning if I ever remember to get on tumblr which I probably wont cuz I never use this shit but yeah, just needed an outlet to put all my thoughts and emotions into cuz bottling shit up really sucks and I don’t have leslie so this was really my only choice